Bitch Core

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 06:05:39 GMT

Fuck man
Im just losing it here
I miss pete so much but at the same time im trying to re-evaluate
im just so fucking depressed without him
im so freaking lonely and i try to hang out with people
and there cool
but i feel like im not even there
i have no one to talk to about it
pete makes me feel like complete shit
i just wanna be with him so bad and i would do anything to be
but he doesnt feel that way
do i really wanna be more in love with some one then they are with me
he wants to tour and i support him
but at the same time how long does he want me to wait to be together with him again
i feel like im torturing myself
I just never wanted to be attached to anyone for this reason
i never wanted to feel so much hurt and now i do all the time
and it is making me hate and lash anger more than ever

theres just nothing left in me anymore
im the lowest ive ever been

Sat, 19 May 2007 19:20:17 GMT

Please somebody help me
ive never felt so broken
so helpless and so unaware of what is going to happen to me
Im letting it all slip away
nothings important anymore
i watch everyone else in their happiness and envy them

i will always be abandoned

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 01:59:12 GMT

I'm glad hannah finally lost her virginity
and im glad it was with ashley, because she really seems to love him and he really seems to love her
which is good
cuz if he hurts her i'll go to tennessee and beat the shit out him!
no but i actually like this one for hannah he really changed around for her
and he is a semi-normal person whos motivated to do shit
unlike the other weird weird people hannah's been into
and she's only dating him which is a good sign

Its so weird the byrd women finally in love with boys
and being faithful
who would have ever though we would stop being lady pimps
and settle down

but its really good
to see us both happy
and in love

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 22:02:55 GMT

I miss my friends, I miss 2005-2004
I miss the days were I had no responisbilities and didnt give a damn

I miss the days were I thought I was the shit and me and the crew were notorious and no one fucked with us
Im sick of these kids who think their hard
fuck you Ill slit your throat and give you esophagus to your mother

I miss being a tough ass bitch who said fuck you to commitment and had whoever I wanted
I know my friends miss that michelle too

I dont if i have grown up or just forgotten how to be who I am

but i will never forget the days and person I loved
I miss being on top of the world
With katie as my twin and the planet at our feet

those days seem so long ago

but ill never forget how powerful I can be and I need to remember that
cuz sometimes i feel so domesticated and weak

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 00:30:07 GMT

Next wednesday new ink
Im excited kinda.......i love tattoos
but i hate getting em.....i get so bored!

but yep finally finishing my half sleeve and going up past my elbow alittle

its gonna be mad old school to match my other piece

woohoo

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 21:46:10 GMT

I guess when your grow up you just lose touch with people
It feels weird to be best friends with someone for so long and just seperate alot easier than it was to even become friends
I just want nothing to do with her anymore
not because shes a bitch or hate her
but because I dont really know her anymore and she doesnt really know me either
We never talk and when do i ffeel the distance more
It shouldn't be this way but things just happen
I just have nothing in common with her anymore
I made my mistakes in the friendship as well as she made mistakes
but nothings there anymore
all the things i experienced with her feel so far away
I feel neglected and she feels neglected
theres not point in trying to lie to oursleves and keep it together
when neither of makes the effort
it just isnt anymore
it makes me sad
but i dont think she seems to care
im not bitter
endings bring new beginnings
everything in my life is about to change more than it already has
and the people who are meant to stay in my life
and those who aren't will be good memories

im not sure what could happen, but things just dont last forever

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 18:20:52 GMT

I felt it
I saw it
I felt the ground tumble beneath me
Ive always been so close to rock bottom to completely
losing myself to just crawling underneath existance
to breaking down
and I have always played the danegrous game of crossing that line
but never sinking into the other side
i mean i am probably the most emotionally blocked person i have ever known in my life
i cry out of anger when my lovers have cheated on me
i wasnt sad i was pissed that I wasnt the only object of their affection
and if I hurt them, so what, fuck them
they chose to feel so its their own fault
haha they have all waited for this moment the moment for me to be weak
to get revenge
well they fucking got it
i hate myself i hate everything around me
and i feel bottomless like if someone stabbed me there wouldnt be any blood coming out
this is what everyone wanted
enjoy it
is it worth it
its the worst feeling in the world to know the person who makes you feel so amazing can also make you feel
like the most worthless thing in the world
to look at you with emotionless eyes

you wanted detachment
im not even here anymore

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:35:26 GMT

oi its 1230 and im finally settling down to bed
wrote 5 papers today
wtf is wrong with me honestly
but whateve I wont have homework for the rest of first semest.

Such a good good day
hung out with pete for a lil
which was unexpected and good
hes my favorite person to hang out with
then mad long phone convo about honestly intellectual stuff
its so weird talking smart and getting so into it
loves it
love him
im glad i did this
good idea so far, im happy and thats the most importnant thing

but anyhoo i got kinda pissed today
got ditched besides by sara
which i knew would happen
girls are just weird when it comes to me its like the way of life.
but the hell with it
i dont need knew people right now
I dont have many friends but I love em
and eventhough we dont agree on alot of things anymore
there still there and im here
its a strong bond
and i dont really want anything else

great boyfriend
great best friend

what the fuck else is there ya know

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:34:14 GMT

Im always bouncing back and forth
between who i wanna be attached to and who I dont
its a constant battle
I dont really like attachment
because you can hate someone as quickly as you fall in love with them
Ive lost touch with many people
and It never has affected me
I mean my first boyfriend I barely talk to now
and not even subconciously do I care
friends come and go with me
and again i dont care
I have a few who will always remain no matter how petty ou arguments are or how far apart we grow
but attachment just aint one of my qualitys
it easier to say goodbye to a person if they were never really there
at least in your mind or heart or whatever
I dont get the need to be attached
why do that to yourself
to enjoy a couple months years?
you leave everyone eventually

I feel like im just wanting to grow up so fast to see
or maybe make relationships that are concrete and not just some person I wont remember come 20 years from now
i know its part of life watever
but to me to let someone in without knowing where you will be with them in a couple years is not thrilling
or fun its just a waste of time that will lead to the inevitable

heartbreak and hatred

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 15:45:45 GMT

This are going back to normal which is good
me and pete are good again after our little phase or mine
but i really do love him
no matter how many people dislike that fact
I cant help it hes just the one I want
no one has ever kept my attention for this long and I have never liked anybody so intensely as I like him

me and katie are at leats talking again which is good!
my friendships are all over the place these days swear
but ehh what i can do
I barely have time to sleep
I cant wait for the 1st semester to be over so i can stop trying and have a life again

I cant wait to see hanners even though she a bitch

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 18:45:10 GMT

So woke up mad late today
i didnt even brush my hair or put on makeup.......i mean nothin
stole some of my momd face wipe things
slam in car and go to school
so Im sitting in Iss and my eye is itching like crazy
I itch it that it burns im like wtf is goin on in here
I take out my little mirror and look at me eye
my eye is like a giant swollen lard
I could barely see out of it
Im freaking out
run out of iss to ms brocks office and im like I going blind my skin is melting off! wtf I have ebola!
totally bugging out
shes laughing at me
But i got to go home!

watched L word.......i love hot lesbians seriously I miss being one.....too bad I hate dating em

I miss hanners

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 22:44:31 GMT

I fucking hate this. I am freaking out.
And shut the fuck up with it will get easier, your adjusting

die fuckheads

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 21:32:42 GMT

i need to start getting out again
so everyone hit up my cell
cuz i wont turn you down

.....maybe

yep

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:58:51 GMT

so today i actually realized how weird I am now
I was talking to this kid
and he was like what happened to you?
you used to be so guns ho! Im a psycho bitch who will chop up your ass
to now apathetic not caring book worm
and honestly I see it
I dunno how it happened but I just gave up
like gave up on life for real
i just flow through the motions without taking anything in or feeling anything
I have night terrors now and I never talk
I never have anything to say
i feel so numb all the time

Im just tired
tired of the way things were tired of the way things are
im so unsure and my mind is never clear now
im stressed out but i dont release any emotion so somtimes I just burst out of nowhere
and just cry and cry for no reason

I dont understand whats happening to me, maybe im growing up
but i have never felt like this before

im just here wasting space

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 23:49:26 GMT

So ive been thinking about this life thing
and i dont really think its worth it
im not being suicidal so shut the fuck up
but honestly
i have to work 33 hours this week
go to school 30 hours
thats 63 hours out of my wat 83-95 hour week
im doing shit i dont want to be doing
thats what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life
devoting 30-45 hours of my week to bullshit
im not happy about it
i dont really see the point and every one is like oh well your making a difference you need to do it
shut the fuck up
im sorry but im not really thrilled about going to school for 7 more years and wasting my energy at ridiculous retail jobs
i give nine west a week or two before i loose my nerve
everyone does it without complaint
well im sorry im complaining i think we have an unfair deal here!
we work work work work to make money to buy shit that isnt very necessary
pop out a couple of fuckers who hate you
get divorced a couple times
and die
shit im definitely not gonna be the first in line to want that deal
just the thought of it makes me so depressed
i wish i could crawl back in the womb and lock myself in there with a masterlock
and just fuck the world

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 01:23:32 GMT

wasnt a very good day
just felt really out of it like everything that has happened was finally hitting me
and i hated it
kate stopped by and it was nice
she said she could tell something was up with me
i didnt talk about it but just having her there was good
we talked for a lil and laughed about dumb shit
as fucked up as our past together was i will always care about her and she will always care about me
i feel relieved like we finally cleared up our past
i told her as much as i cared for her what we had wasnt love it was passionate but it wasnt real
i was too into my own world to care about anybody else
and she said she knew that and she wasnt mad at me about it
finally i think we can be friends without it being weird

i miss katie i miss annah
i feel so different towards everything now
i like it because i feel stable
but i hate it because i am so antisocial
i justhave no motivationto hang out with my friends
because when i do i never have anything good to say and i feel as if i bore them
people change katie said
but i dont want to loose touch with the people who have been there for so long
i mean i dont have alot of friends i should be able to manage it
its not intentional
im just going through alot and i dont even know what im feeling

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 00:52:02 GMT

cant wait to hang out with katie saturday
montgomery day!
i just feel so out of it lately
just completely not motivated to do anything in my life really
im like a zombie
its weird ill be in school and every thing feels so hazy? cant describe it
its like im going throught the motions but not really feeling anything
eventhough i am very happy with everything right now
relationship wise at least which is mostly my life
but i need friendship time to bring me back

appoitnment saturday with psych guy ill see how that goes
it could be good i think

hopefully finishing my tattoo next week!

Thu, 31 Aug 2006 17:56:13 GMT

my head has been out of control lately
just going back and forth
but now i feel like i can stop holding my breath
everything seems alot better
im not fighting everday with everyone
and people around me seem happy
and i feel content
my temper is just getting the best of me these days
someone i just get so pissed off i wanna rip someones head off
control michelle

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 20:35:42 GMT

I feel like in every relationship im in
im the one in control and the one who has to be stronger
and in the lead
i dont want to be this tough girl anymore
i want someone to protect me and take care of me

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 01:43:37 GMT

i am so tired of living in this mad house
i swear they are crazy
if i hated someone i sure as hell wouldnt be living with them
the funny part about all this is
that they have three fucked up kids
the oldest is medicated
the middle self medicates
the youngest is one angry and mean motherfucker
yet they do not see that this is their fault
they blame me yes my destructiveness and crazyness that took place for one year destroyed a 13 year marriage and ruined all their children
the best part about all this and i really love this part
is that the child who aparently destroyed everything who is white trash and a permiscious drug addict
is the only child so far who has a grasp on the future and who has the biggest aspirations of all three children
so far
this is the only real motivation i have really
because when i graduate from college (which wait oh yeah none of my parents managed to do)
they expect me to say thanks for pushing me so hard
im just gonna give them a big fuck you

and everyone asks why im so angry

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 04:39:35 GMT

i losing my fucking head
i cant handle this shit anymore
all i do is feel like shit and when i dont feel like shit
im crying so it looks like i feel shit
what the hell is going on
i leave to go tennessee everything is ok
im fine lovin it
and now everything is turmoil
i like a fucking psycho path for reals

worst

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 01:46:30 GMT

everyone is so critical
it gets me very irritated
theres enough pressure out there without having to satisfy everyones picture of you
it wears me down trying to please everyone
my sister just pisses me off to oblivion
shes so judgemental on everyone else
when she should be judging herself only
i never judge her

i miss new york all this thinking time has lead me to actually regret most of the desicions i have ever made
i never regret anything and here i am regretting and closing in on a bunch of shit that i cant change now
i just wish people would stop viewing me as the michelle from 10th grade
you spend one year doing crazy shit and sticks with you forever
but my mind is nothing like what it was then
i actually care about people and how i treat them

my mind is slowing rotting everyday my memory is worse and i just cant think like i used to it sucks beyond belief lemme tell ya
i used to be so quick and now i feel really confused most of the time and it takes me 5 minutes to understand a metaphorical phrase me own boyfriend says to me
its quite aggravating

sorry about the rant but i only slept threee hours and im grumpy

pete was in tn with me it was great i needed it
lifted my spirits up
and i think it made him happy too
i feel bad for him actually
he seems so stressed out

i dont wanna fight with him anymore because he doesnt need the stress
i just want him to come home so we can shack up and be totaly recluses for a day
because thats probably one of my favorite things to do

dumb cunts

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 20:08:55 GMT

so seriously i hate girls like hate hate hate
they act all nice to me to my fucking face cuz they are pussies
then theytalk shit to me about their friends
and talk about me to their friends
like shut the fuck up!
its so fucking fake
and they tell me i need to be nicer?
bitches im fucking real you dont like it walk the fuck on
its not my fault that i dont suck up to your asses cuz guess what?
i dont fucking have to
fitting in with the high school girl scene was never my style and it isnt gonna be that way now
so suck my dick you dumb fat bitches i hope someone knocks your teeth out
better yet say something to my face so i can do it
go eat a donut and stay out of my space
i seriously wish i could drop out of highschool

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 14:59:28 GMT

All i wanted was to see my bitter end
and the night went fucking crazy
Dont remember everything but i think i talked to alot of people which wasnt good
cuz i was fucking plastered beyond belief
i had fun for alittle though with shawn and tyler is prettty cool too
I am the end played pretty good better than the last time i saw them

I really need to stop trying to escape situations
because not only did i make myself look extrememly bad i proved petes point as well
whatever i think hes right in a way
im never like that though lastnight was the drunkest ive ever been
and my stomach knows that as well as the cut on my head from hitting the pavement
yeah i definitly need to straighten myself up

i miss pete already

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 01:29:38 GMT

basically i dont get this journal thing but

today fucking ruled
i love my best friend like no other
who else could you go to mountain creek with and have her feet
slam into your on a raft?? hmmm?

gauging the ears again
taking out the monroe for good
doesnt fit my style

i want my half sleeve finished!