Bitch Core

Fuck man
Im just losing it here
I miss pete so much but at the same time im trying to re-evaluate
im just so fucking depressed without him
im so freaking lonely and i try to hang out with people
and there cool
but i feel like im not even there
i have no one to talk to about it
pete makes me feel like complete shit
i just wanna be with him so bad and i would do anything to be
but he doesnt feel that way
do i really wanna be more in love with some one then they are with me
he wants to tour and i support him
but at the same time how long does he want me to wait to be together with him again
i feel like im torturing myself
I just never wanted to be attached to anyone for this reason
i never wanted to feel so much hurt and now i do all the time
and it is making me hate and lash anger more than ever

theres just nothing left in me anymore
im the lowest ive ever been

Please somebody help me
ive never felt so broken
so helpless and so unaware of what is going to happen to me
Im letting it all slip away
nothings important anymore
i watch everyone else in their happiness and envy them

i will always be abandoned

I'm glad hannah finally lost her virginity
and im glad it was with ashley, because she really seems to love him and he really seems to love her
which is good
cuz if he hurts her i'll go to tennessee and beat the shit out him!
no but i actually like this one for hannah he really changed around for her
and he is a semi-normal person whos motivated to do shit
unlike the other weird weird people hannah's been into
and she's only dating him which is a good sign

Its so weird the byrd women finally in love with boys
and being faithful
who would have ever though we would stop being lady pimps
and settle down


but its really good
to see us both happy
and in love

I miss my friends, I miss 2005-2004
I miss the days were I had no responisbilities and didnt give a damn

I miss the days were I thought I was the shit and me and the crew were notorious and no one fucked with us
Im sick of these kids who think their hard
fuck you Ill slit your throat and give you esophagus to your mother

I miss being a tough ass bitch who said fuck you to commitment and had whoever I wanted
I know my friends miss that michelle too

I dont if i have grown up or just forgotten how to be who I am

but i will never forget the days and person I loved
I miss being on top of the world
With katie as my twin and the planet at our feet

those days seem so long ago

but ill never forget how powerful I can be and I need to remember that
cuz sometimes i feel so domesticated and weak

Next wednesday new ink
Im excited kinda.......i love tattoos
but i hate getting em.....i get so bored!

but yep finally finishing my half sleeve and going up past my elbow alittle

its gonna be mad old school to match my other piece

woohoo

I guess when your grow up you just lose touch with people
It feels weird to be best friends with someone for so long and just seperate alot easier than it was to even become friends
I just want nothing to do with her anymore
not because shes a bitch or hate her
but because I dont really know her anymore and she doesnt really know me either
We never talk and when do i ffeel the distance more
It shouldn't be this way but things just happen
I just have nothing in common with her anymore
I made my mistakes in the friendship as well as she made mistakes
but nothings there anymore
all the things i experienced with her feel so far away
I feel neglected and she feels neglected
theres not point in trying to lie to oursleves and keep it together
when neither of makes the effort
it just isnt anymore
it makes me sad
but i dont think she seems to care
im not bitter
endings bring new beginnings
everything in my life is about to change more than it already has
and the people who are meant to stay in my life
and those who aren't will be good memories

im not sure what could happen, but things just dont last forever

I felt it
I saw it
I felt the ground tumble beneath me
Ive always been so close to rock bottom to completely
losing myself to just crawling underneath existance
to breaking down
and I have always played the danegrous game of crossing that line
but never sinking into the other side
i mean i am probably the most emotionally blocked person i have ever known in my life
i cry out of anger when my lovers have cheated on me
i wasnt sad i was pissed that I wasnt the only object of their affection
and if I hurt them, so what, fuck them
they chose to feel so its their own fault
haha they have all waited for this moment the moment for me to be weak
to get revenge
well they fucking got it
i hate myself i hate everything around me
and i feel bottomless like if someone stabbed me there wouldnt be any blood coming out
this is what everyone wanted
enjoy it
is it worth it
its the worst feeling in the world to know the person who makes you feel so amazing can also make you feel
like the most worthless thing in the world
to look at you with emotionless eyes



you wanted detachment
im not even here anymore

oi its 1230 and im finally settling down to bed
wrote 5 papers today
wtf is wrong with me honestly
but whateve I wont have homework for the rest of first semest.

Such a good good day
hung out with pete for a lil
which was unexpected and good
hes my favorite person to hang out with
then mad long phone convo about honestly intellectual stuff
its so weird talking smart and getting so into it
loves it
love him
im glad i did this
good idea so far, im happy and thats the most importnant thing

but anyhoo i got kinda pissed today
got ditched besides by sara
which i knew would happen
girls are just weird when it comes to me its like the way of life.
but the hell with it
i dont need knew people right now
I dont have many friends but I love em
and eventhough we dont agree on alot of things anymore
there still there and im here
its a strong bond
and i dont really want anything else

great boyfriend
great best friend

what the fuck else is there ya know

Im always bouncing back and forth
between who i wanna be attached to and who I dont
its a constant battle
I dont really like attachment
because you can hate someone as quickly as you fall in love with them
Ive lost touch with many people
and It never has affected me
I mean my first boyfriend I barely talk to now
and not even subconciously do I care
friends come and go with me
and again i dont care
I have a few who will always remain no matter how petty ou arguments are or how far apart we grow
but attachment just aint one of my qualitys
it easier to say goodbye to a person if they were never really there
at least in your mind or heart or whatever
I dont get the need to be attached
why do that to yourself
to enjoy a couple months years?
you leave everyone eventually

I feel like im just wanting to grow up so fast to see
or maybe make relationships that are concrete and not just some person I wont remember come 20 years from now
i know its part of life watever
but to me to let someone in without knowing where you will be with them in a couple years is not thrilling
or fun its just a waste of time that will lead to the inevitable

heartbreak and hatred

This are going back to normal which is good
me and pete are good again after our little phase or mine
but i really do love him
no matter how many people dislike that fact
I cant help it hes just the one I want
no one has ever kept my attention for this long and I have never liked anybody so intensely as I like him

me and katie are at leats talking again which is good!
my friendships are all over the place these days swear
but ehh what i can do
I barely have time to sleep
I cant wait for the 1st semester to be over so i can stop trying and have a life again

I cant wait to see hanners even though she a bitch

So woke up mad late today
i didnt even brush my hair or put on makeup.......i mean nothin
stole some of my momd face wipe things
slam in car and go to school
so Im sitting in Iss and my eye is itching like crazy
I itch it that it burns im like wtf is goin on in here
I take out my little mirror and look at me eye
my eye is like a giant swollen lard
I could barely see out of it
Im freaking out
run out of iss to ms brocks office and im like I going blind my skin is melting off! wtf I have ebola!
totally bugging out
shes laughing at me
But i got to go home!

watched L word.......i love hot lesbians seriously I miss being one.....too bad I hate dating em






I miss hanners

I fucking hate this. I am freaking out.
And shut the fuck up with it will get easier, your adjusting

die fuckheads

i need to start getting out again
so everyone hit up my cell
cuz i wont turn you down


.....maybe

so today i actually realized how weird I am now
I was talking to this kid
and he was like what happened to you?
you used to be so guns ho! Im a psycho bitch who will chop up your ass
to now apathetic not caring book worm
and honestly I see it
I dunno how it happened but I just gave up
like gave up on life for real
i just flow through the motions without taking anything in or feeling anything
I have night terrors now and I never talk
I never have anything to say
i feel so numb all the time

Im just tired
tired of the way things were tired of the way things are
im so unsure and my mind is never clear now
im stressed out but i dont release any emotion so somtimes I just burst out of nowhere
and just cry and cry for no reason

I dont understand whats happening to me, maybe im growing up
but i have never felt like this before


im just here wasting space

So ive been thinking about this life thing
and i dont really think its worth it
im not being suicidal so shut the fuck up
but honestly
i have to work 33 hours this week
go to school 30 hours
thats 63 hours out of my wat 83-95 hour week
im doing shit i dont want to be doing
thats what i have to look forward to for the rest of my life
devoting 30-45 hours of my week to bullshit
im not happy about it
i dont really see the point and every one is like oh well your making a difference you need to do it
shut the fuck up
im sorry but im not really thrilled about going to school for 7 more years and wasting my energy at ridiculous retail jobs
i give nine west a week or two before i loose my nerve
everyone does it without complaint
well im sorry im complaining i think we have an unfair deal here!
we work work work work to make money to buy shit that isnt very necessary
pop out a couple of fuckers who hate you
get divorced a couple times
and die
shit im definitely not gonna be the first in line to want that deal
just the thought of it makes me so depressed
i wish i could crawl back in the womb and lock myself in there with a masterlock
and just fuck the world

wasnt a very good day
just felt really out of it like everything that has happened was finally hitting me
and i hated it
kate stopped by and it was nice
she said she could tell something was up with me
i didnt talk about it but just having her there was good
we talked for a lil and laughed about dumb shit
as fucked up as our past together was i will always care about her and she will always care about me
i feel relieved like we finally cleared up our past
i told her as much as i cared for her what we had wasnt love it was passionate but it wasnt real
i was too into my own world to care about anybody else
and she said she knew that and she wasnt mad at me about it
finally i think we can be friends without it being weird


i miss katie i miss annah
i feel so different towards everything now
i like it because i feel stable
but i hate it because i am so antisocial
i justhave no motivationto hang out with my friends
because when i do i never have anything good to say and i feel as if i bore them
people change katie said
but i dont want to loose touch with the people who have been there for so long
i mean i dont have alot of friends i should be able to manage it
its not intentional
im just going through alot and i dont even know what im feeling

cant wait to hang out with katie saturday
montgomery day!
i just feel so out of it lately
just completely not motivated to do anything in my life really
im like a zombie
its weird ill be in school and every thing feels so hazy? cant describe it
its like im going throught the motions but not really feeling anything
eventhough i am very happy with everything right now
relationship wise at least which is mostly my life
but i need friendship time to bring me back

appoitnment saturday with psych guy ill see how that goes
it could be good i think


hopefully finishing my tattoo next week!

my head has been out of control lately
just going back and forth
but now i feel like i can stop holding my breath
everything seems alot better
im not fighting everday with everyone
and people around me seem happy
and i feel content
my temper is just getting the best of me these days
someone i just get so pissed off i wanna rip someones head off
control michelle

I feel like in every relationship im in
im the one in control and the one who has to be stronger
and in the lead
i dont want to be this tough girl anymore
i want someone to protect me and take care of me

i am so tired of living in this mad house
i swear they are crazy
if i hated someone i sure as hell wouldnt be living with them
the funny part about all this is
that they have three fucked up kids
the oldest is medicated
the middle self medicates
the youngest is one angry and mean motherfucker
yet they do not see that this is their fault
they blame me yes my destructiveness and crazyness that took place for one year destroyed a 13 year marriage and ruined all their children
the best part about all this and i really love this part
is that the child who aparently destroyed everything who is white trash and a permiscious drug addict
is the only child so far who has a grasp on the future and who has the biggest aspirations of all three children
so far
this is the only real motivation i have really
because when i graduate from college (which wait oh yeah none of my parents managed to do)
they expect me to say thanks for pushing me so hard
im just gonna give them a big fuck you



and everyone asks why im so angry